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Don't expect kids to respond to punishments like an enlightenment era chemist responding to evidence. Kids aren't wired that way. They aren't necessarily going to weigh the consequences of their actions vs. Demonstrated punishments.
You mention a lot of different ways of telling her what she did wrong, but how consistently have you stuck with one disciplinary strategy? I'm sorry to tell you, you might have a long haul ahead of you. There was never a eureka moment or breakthrough, but rather every year the child will gradually improve, with plenty of backsliding along the way.
My advice is to create a stable environment, clear expectations, and be patient. This isn't some riddle with an answer and then its over. This is fourteen years of doing the right thing and trusting that it will make a difference in the long run.
Does she get enough sleep?
Adopt an "act, don't yak" policy as your immediate reaction to unwanted behavior.
React by calmly putting her down and walking away without a saying a word. This is called "planned ignoring" (google it). It will work for harmless annoying behaviors that function as attention getters. It will also work for this kind of aggression against you unless the function of the aggression is to get you to go away. It may take a few days of consistency before it goes away or it may happen much faster.
If you already do "timeouts" when he gets angry - Perhaps you are not doing them right. If so, course I recommend below will fix that. And, you may have to be consistent for two weeks or longer before you see a big improvement even for the most effective methods.
One common blunder with timeout is to give them attention (scolding, warning, explaining, getting emotional) in reaction to the unwanted behavior before you put them in timeout. This tends to nullify the effects of time-out.
You can use time-out or mild restrictions for each and every infraction without any 1-2-3. Think of it as just "Magic". Make a rule then always enforce the rule for each infraction without warnings.
I suggest you do things with the goal of changing behavior. If you set some other goal then you may never get behavior change. But you have to figure out what works. Time-out is short for "time out from reinforcement" and that is what it is for where the reinforcement is attention. Planned ignoring has the same effect. Timeout is planned ignoring with relocation. The function of relocation is to stop an activity that cannot be ignored.
Use the methods in the free online ABCs of Child Rearing video course. This tells you how to use the most effective system of methods based on randomized controlled trials.
The course will teach you to ramp up good or acceptable behaviors to replace or crowd out unwanted behaviors. This makes all the other methods for reducing unwanted behaviors more reliable and faster.
What does he normally throw tantrums about ?
make sure you're giving voice to his emotions.
Oh no little one, don't touch the knife, that's dangerous. You're crying, did that scare you? It's hard when we feel nervous/scared/embarrassed. It's okay to be _______. Let's take a deep breath together to calm down.
Lots and lots of talk about labelling emotions in the moment if he lets you, and lots of talk about emotions outside of the moment too!
It's normal. He does it with you because he knows your love is unconditional and he can safely challenge boundaries. A response of "hands are not for hitting" or "i can't let you hit me, hitting hurts", which you will need to repeat 1000 times is eventually effective.
I used to sort of 'side-mirror' a statement made in the wrong tone. "Get away from me!" "Okay, try that again, like this: 'Please give me some space." Kids do really well with scripts for situations, and don't mind (usually) repeating the correction as long as there's no hint of punishment or disapproval. Much like when you coach them to put the right shoe on the right foot, not the left.
It will take time for kids, gradually they will stop crying ...
What kind of stress... You haven't mentioned properly.. Is it related to your son.. Or something else.
Then so what dear? He can call you mama... at the end you r his mother